The last thing I want to do to people I know usually is to hurt them in any way since usually whoever they are, they will always have some meaning in my life.
I have this friend who is my colleague in previous company I’ve work before. And yes, he is a man…or I can say a boy. I have this feeling that any man who is younger than me is usually a boy or a kid who are not matured enough. It’s hardly happen that I can like a younger person unless he passed a few indicator of maturity in my head for a man.
Why I say younger people not matured? Because I’ve seen and met tons of them, and whenever I try to put my trust on these boys…always and surely, it will disappoint me. To be honest, not only younger man, the same age with me, maybe older than me, also can be very disappointing.
Let’s start with my EX story…he is getting married bay the way in next 2 weeks, with a girl ‘choose by his mom’-whom he already met and already know and already close to…but trying to emphasize to me how he hate the idea of marrying this girl so call ‘chosen by his mom’. From the look on his eyes, I know what he said is just to ease up my heart. Until the last moment, he still do not know me, never know that I know how to read him and will never understand why I am letting him go in the first place.
I’ve met him the other day…since I haven’t dating anyone ever since I broke up with him; my heart was a little bit fluttering. I call that…’the lonely girl who feel excited to meet a boy but actually misinterpreted her exact feeling’. Yes, I did mislead myself to a stupid idea of almost liking him back which thankfully I found my conscious quickly and at the right moment.
End of him, but my point is, he is still the same younger man who can’t show me enough matured and charming spark up to my standard. For that almost 2 hours’ time, he still manage to say few things that didn’t show he respect me as a woman, moreover a woman he once love. I have to keep remind myself why I broke up with him the whole night.
Don’t blame me and judge me on misleading my heart in the first place. It was just exciting to meet a person who once loves me since I haven’t love anyone anymore like when we were dating. It is very hard for me to open up my heart to anyone, and I am too scared to let any man to touch it.
Honestly, I’ve put the deep feeling on liking a man…way back deep down in my heart that I don’t know where and how to find it back. Only sometimes, when I met someone who looks nice in my eyes (he is probably tall and older than me or such), comes that ‘gedik2’ feeling and admiring that guy like crazy for a moment.
That moment is depends on how long their charming spark can last long enough in my eyes, or maybe some other more charming guy has taken his place. But, that’s it…I will never go speak to that person that I like him like this and that, moreover to make any move to let that person know that I like him. I just love to play in silence.
I just love it like that. To have someone to admire and encourage me to go to class or work, love to stalk what he do that day, love to silently crossing our coincidently event together, get excited just my saying hi or something, that’s it, I just love to enlighten my heart silently like that. Sound so lonely and stupid right? It is just the way I am having fun alone with myself. No heart feeling, obviously, no heart will be hurt.
It is fun. If the guy happens to show something that makes me deducted his mark, and then he is gone, here comes the other guy. Seriously, I am working in technical world which have a lots of men to see…hahaha…no offense, it is just fun to admire someone and not bounded to anything. There always be someone to be admired, just to make me happy for the rest of the day.
If there is a guy, who I have already deducted his mark and trigger in my system that he is out, he will never going to get his mark back. He might have a chance, if he is brave enough to ask me to marry him…tapi…itu semua mimpi sajalah no…
So, here comes this guy on my earlier story. I have no idea that he has some feeling toward me back there while we were working together. He once got his place, for just a few days but quickly loose his mark.
So now, he is trying to get my attention and I am getting annoyed with his act. But, I really hate to hurt people, and he is quite a nice guy. It feels wrong to hurt him, but he almost reaches my limit, and I am afraid that I might break his heart terribly.
I am in the dilemma since I am not in the mood to have any this ‘feeling2’ thing on any man, but he is so nice kid to be hurt but I almost done being good now. I don’t know what to do. I just hope that he can stop irritate me and stay away from me. Please..... before I made up my mind and hurt him.